9.14.2015

Heavy Hearts

(This is a much longer (and more personal) post than I normally write, but it is something that has been on my mind and in my heart, and I needed to share it)


As I was listening to the radio the other day, I realized how many people in the world are functioning with broken hearts. Just count the number of songs people use to express the aches and pains that come with love. We want to listen to these songs because most of us can relate, but we hate the reality of them at the same time.


Last weekend Alex and I ended our 4 year relationship, and right now it feels like our 5 year friendship must end with that. There are many things I don't understand about our break, but it's unfair for me to ask for answers when he needs time to evaluate his feelings. . . about himself, for me, and about love, life and relationships in general.


Right now I don't think that any other person will fit with me like he did. I don't want to think anyone can. We had our issues, but we ended every day with love for each other which remains. To me our relationship felt so seamless, so natural. And although I want to hate him for making my heart feel so heavy, I can't think of a single reason to. He was always honest with me, he always treated me with love and respect, he made me laugh every day, he took care of me and was there for me through everything, and he was the only person who I wanted around at all times. Most of all he made me feel more comfortable about myself than I have ever felt. He inspired me to go after things even if I thought I didn't have a chance of achieving them. He pushed me, he believed in me, and he supported me in all areas of life and especially this blog.


We met freshman year in college when we lived across the hall from each other, and since then we have both turned into strong, driven adults. I'd like to think we helped each other become the people we are today. I know he helped shape who I am.


Through my heart break I learned one very important thing: what I believe is the key to a lasting relationship. From long, tear-filled talks with my mom (my parents have been disgustingly happily married for 33 years), and the friends I admire most, I've concluded that strong relationships are simpler than we think, difficult, yes, but simple to define.


I've never believed in "the one." I know there is more than one person out there that can be my partner in life. If you believe that there is only one person out there that is right for you, you may disagree with my belief. And that is perfectly fine.


But I believe that to make a relationship work all you need are two people who love each other and want to dedicate themselves to figuring out EVERYTHING in life together, as a team. The hard part is finding that love and commitment in the first place. I'm not saying that it's easy after that either, I've witnessed difficult times in my own parents’ marriage, but they want to struggle through it together. And honestly, who wants to struggle through this crazy world alone when you can have someone there with you to help you try to figure things out?


The problem is that many of us, myself included until recently, think that there is this feeling you’re suppose to get. It’s what we hear about in the movies, so it must be real, right? Well that’s the same thing people told me about choosing a college (oh, you’ll know the right school), about accepting a job offer (it will feel right), about relationships between sisters (it’s a natural bond), and I’ve never felt anything. I chose them all, and most of those decisions were scary and so challenging. I don’t always like my sisters, but I continue to make an effort because I want to. . . not because of some feeling or attachment I have to them.


I’m only 24 years old. I haven’t lived a long life yet, and I don’t have as much worldly experience as others, but I know what I want in life and that’s simple. I want happiness. And only I am in control of that. I know that Alex is a person that I am more than happy with; a person I love and want to work through everything in life with, but sometimes things don’t work out they way we want, and it's hard when it feels like someone else is dictating your happiness. I respect the way Alex ended our relationship. It was difficult for us both, but somehow we managed to go to drinks and dinner afterwards, and I actually enjoyed our final hours together even knowing what the next day would bring (I had to get on a plane and fly to my home, away from his home). I think this was possible because of the friendship our relationship was built on, and for that I am grateful. I pray that someday in the future we’ll be able to be friends because imagining a life without him in it is painful.

I hope you all can understand that my blog might not be as great as I want it to be these next few weeks or months. I've been struggling to get dressed in anything other than shorts and t-shirts lately, and I'm having trouble enjoying the things I used to enjoy. But I will try every day to get back that motivation, as well as try to fake it until I do because this blog is one thing in my life that I know I still want to work out.

Alex, thank you for the 4 wonderful years, many adventures and constant encouragement. I hope you find exactly what you’re looking for someday because you deserve someone truly special.

6 comments:

  1. oh i love it

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  2. You've paid such a wonderful tribute to him and your relationship through this post! How special that you were able to enjoy your last hours together in each other's company. Give yourself time to heal and don't worry about your readers -- they will follow you through this journey :) Much love and wishes for many happy days in your future, even if you can't imagine them now (they're out there!)

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  3. This was beautiful girl! Very well written. Praying for your heart and his!

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  4. This is such a beautiful post so say farewell to the relationship. It's always tough, but praying that your heart heals quickly.

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  5. Your post is really inspiring and thank you for sharing. The man that I feel is the person I want to walk through life with just recently decided that we should part ways. The things you said are how I feel towards him and the situation. I'm so sad, but I know he needs to figure out what he wants out of life. I have so much respect, admiration and love for him that ni combination of words could describe how I feel. I know that sharing our lives with someone involves two whole people making a choice and choosing each other. It always felt like I knew him before we met. I still feel as though even the closest people to me haven't connected to my soul or the essence of my being like he has. I hope you feel better. Things will work out and you are clearly a strong, empathetic and conscious person. That's a great combination of traits and someone special will appreciate them in a way that fits with you. Thanks again for sharing something so honestly.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks so much for your sharing your story. My heart breaks for you, but at least you know there is someone else out there going through the same crazy emotions. These things take time and strength to heal from, but we have to believe that everything will work out in the end. I've been having a hard time finding things that help me feel better at this time, so I'd love to hear if anything has helped you. Thanks again for sharing. My heart goes out to you.

      - S

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